This journey just seems to be getting more and more indefinable. Bipolar is a conditional word that comes to mind.

This is supposed to be a blog about my journey through this new life of sobriety. When I started this deal, with my very own "purchased" web address, I had this grand vision of spewing to the masses my personal take on recovery and enlisting my experiences to others in hopes of just possibly helping someone.

I never truly imagined that hundreds or even thousands would read this rag, I just set a goal to write and take on the personal enjoyment of a style of therapy that someone else could maybe relate to.

Now look at me; a couple of years later I find myself soaking in the tub of unavoidable pity, thinking that my life couldn't get much worse. Realistically, I know it could be worse, but that doesn't change the fact that there are some very shitty events in the present that are testing my sober resolve.

As far as expressing an obvious, logical observance to my present situation, let me assure you that if I chose to drink over the latest series of events, it would be so so so much worse. Ultimately, I might be so bold to say that I would probably have checked out with alcohol poisoning by now.

But, I haven't done that and I certainly have no plans to. Life still remains much more interesting with a clear head and the illusion of total recall (my memory is so much better now than it was when I was wallowing in whiskey).

Over the past 7-8 years, as most of you know, I have been a fairly busy substitute teacher, with a lengthy stint as a full time coordinator in the alternative classroom. Well, and I may be off of the time line a bit, over the past several years, I've been looking for other employment. Specifically a job with benefits and a few other bells and whistles. Yet, with every application I have turned in, whether it was on the internet or in person, I have been met with the sound of a door slamming. I tend to think that my police record may have something to do with it.

This has been bequeathing me and my wife a rather steady source of stress and anxiety. I really need a steady full time job. We've reached a point in life that is requiring a bit more capital for survival.

In the meantime, I've moved my son to college, 2 weeks ago and I've informed my daughter that it's back to rehab or move away and live your life elsewhere. We ( I ) can no longer be a part of her self destructive behavior. ( Definitely the hardest most heart wrenching discussion I've ever had to impart upon anyone ). The pain and fear is indescribable. Literally. And, my wife is not getting any better with her situation. In fact, as I write this, she is asleep, finally, on the couch after being up most of the night. ( Yes, I stayed up with her, naturally ).

But, and get this now, without jinxing myself, I may actually have that full time job I've been searching for. I had a second interview yesterday and filled out W-4's, direct deposit paperwork, fingerprinted ( several times ), etc.... So, it's looking pretty good, but please don't go off and tell anyone just yet, OKAY?? Like I said, I don't want to jinx it, and I'll believe it when I actually start my first day. I'll let y'all know.

But, my point I'm getting to is this: is this a sick joke?? My son has moved away and I have pretty much cast my daughter onto the street, and now I get a job?? What kind of "Higher Power" finagling is this!??

I'm not going to say this out loud, but if it was one or the other, I think I'd rather have my son back home and my daughter living a healthy life making good choices rather than this new job!

Do you get what I'm saying? But, I'm not in control of my son's or my daughter's destiny, and I really do need the employment, so I will be truly grateful if I get the job. It's just that it came at a really weird time.

Anyway, other than that, everything is going okay, I guess. Y'all take a moment to say "HI" if you can.

Later,

-coop

Back to One Day at a Time

Okay, did I mention that this may not be a completely, soul-searching, gut-wrenching blog site? I might have said that I was going to lighten up, just a little. My reasoning behind this somewhat esoteric disclaimer, is because I feel that now I'm under the scrutiny of the ever-popular Google, I may attract a much larger, more generalized viewer.

I'm not comfortable with that.

So, from here on out, I'm just going to stick to some watered-down sobriety basics, without too much drama. Here goes....

Lately, I've been a little more at ease with my sobriety, and the direction I'm going. I know for a fact why this is so. It has everything to do with my daughter, and her new sober endeavor. I like to think that I'm not trying to force my sobriety on her, that I'm really keeping my distance as far as not trying to sponsor her. And so far, I feel, I've done a pretty good job.

But, going back to my statement about my present contentment. It has to do with my daughter's present environment. Where she is, is a much better place for her, away from several of her old haunts and triggers. And, she seems to be relatively happy, for once. And as we all know, those with kids, when your children are happy, WE are happy. Right?

So, with the latest developments in that regard, I can now take a little time to assess my present physical and emotional sobriety, and what I've discovered is that everything is going ok. Really. I mean, I'm still stressed out over a few things, like employment, a successful pastime, etc., but I'm above ground and breathing.

And that's a good thing

You know, I'm not certain where my erratic lack of steady employment may take me. I do possess a little fear in that regard. It certainly isn't from a lack of looking and applying, so I don't feel totally guilt-ridden with it. But, there are certain family members that this affects, and I am not proud of that fact. Shit, maybe this will trigger a 'dedomiciling' of sorts (yes, that is a word), I don't know.

I've got to remember that I cannot control others. So, if she kicks me out, then she kicks me out.

I sure as shit cannot force someone to hire me, as much as I wish I could.

One cool thing I want to share is that I've been playing more music lately. A brief history: I've been a music lover as far back as I can remember. I've been playing drums since I was about 7 or 8 years old. I've studied music extensively ever since. So, really, I'm a percussionist, but drummer is a lot cooler to say!

Playing any kind of percussion instrument with a talented band is my most desired state of existence. Playing music is at the top of my list. And lately, after a rather lengthy hiatus, I'm getting back into it. Why? Because, I don't want to die without having tried to do what I love full-time. So, we'll see.

-Later

coop

A Total Loss of Control?

Okay, so here goes an attempt to write about sobriety without actually owning my little corner of the internet.

I feel like I should apply a forced, flash-player mp3, presenting an appropriate Dirge for what seems to be the death of SobrietyRules.

I'm very sad to see it go. I worked my tukus off just researching all of the ins 'n outs of web hosting, choosing the right template, and learning the language of web design. I know, I sound like a whiny geek, lamenting the demise of a dear family pet.

I will say this, the possibility of firing up SobrietyRULES in the future is always an option (ideally when an employer decides to accept my qualifications I've assumed on any given application!).

Now, I have always been very honest with you, sometimes painfully so. A little disclaimer is in order: I do have a little more time for my plight to shift, allowing me to keep the original project online. I've been praying.

Incidentally, allow me to pick a quick topic for discussion. It falls right into place with the previous admissions: Ego. Am I displaying a dreadful, selfish egotistic character defect? Am I way too focused on losing something I worked my ass off on? Maybe I should revert my feelings to those of gratitude, and just be thankful that God gave me the ability to embark on such an endeavor?

At first I was fearful of not being able to understand any of the intricacies of self-hosting a blog. But, I pulled it off, and I really enjoyed it.

I gotta tell you, writing all of this stuff out is extremely therapeutic! For weeks I've been privately brooding over the future loss of my site. 

This is definitely related to recovery, because you may be asking, "Gee, Cooper, you're blogging right now, so what's the difference between the old and the new?"

Well, I'll tell you: It's all about Control, which is every alcoholics favorite pastime! In here, I'm at the mercy of Google, where they can put up any kind of add they please on this blog, and other stuff as well. I no longer have control over everything my readers see on my blog. I don't believe this to be a "bad" kind of control, because I am very concerned about what my readers see, and what they may find offensive by way of, lets say, various comments people may leave. I didn't approve of every one, by the way.

There are tons of spam bots, and hateful people on the web, and I went to great lengths to make SobrietyRULES a pleasant reading experience (aside from my oftentimes brutish, offensive language!).

Anyway, I will close this off for now, I mainly wanted to do a "live" post, present it to a few people, and get some opinions. I ask you to please forgive my selfish, paltry, vehement mourning (here I go again) for my little ol' SobrietyRULES.

Love ya

-coop