State of Sobriety Address

I've been thinking. I've been thinking to myself, unannounced to my wife, because in general the thought of me in a state of rumination causes alarms to go off.

For the first time in a very long time, I actually have a much clearer connection to my inner self. Lately, and I mean for the past several years, along with my constant state of recovery, I've been occupied with the state of my family (wife, kids, parental units, etc....), the most recent being my daughter. I believe most of you can recall some of my past epistles on this matter.

But, at this very moment, everything has come to a nice, level pathway, and I actually have some time to analyse my present State of Sobriety.

I'm still sober. I'm still in contact with God, but my desire to enrich my relationship with my Higher Power has faltered a bit. Also, I feel that my spiritual growth has come to a standstill. I mean, I still pray regularly, but I don't read my special, motivational publications as much as I used to. These books are vital for keeping my mind forever searching, and altering my perspective so that I can continue finding alternate, yet acceptable answers to all of my questions.

There. That's some of it right there. I'm the kind of guy that has to read frequently. My mind craves constant informational input. That's what makes this ol boy tick, so to speak.

Now, for the past couple of weeks, I've been doing some thorough introspection. I need to occasionally remind myself that I'm an alcoholic, and the process requires me to "play the tape". You'd be surprised how quick my mind can shift into auto-pilot, thus allowing our disease to sneak in and convince me that I can drink like "normal" people.

As most of you know, I attend "meetings" from which I gather additional reassurance and support concerning my alcoholism. But, I am guilty as of late of not attending as many as I'd like. Several years ago this would cause a problem, but today it's a little less taxing on my well-beingness if I miss a meeting occasionally. I owe this to the fact that I have been working my program of recovery to the Nth degree, since I started this journey in January of 2007. In short, I know exactly what I can do, and what I cannot do, when it comes to jeopardizing my sobriety.

My sobriety has always come first. well, almost always. When my daughter was in trouble, I put her well-being first. And I did that because I know no other way of being a father. That's part of the job.

Speaking of my daughter, I have learned just recently, 3 days ago in fact, that she isn't doing exactly what I'd wish for her to do, and that's all I will say. She is now 18 years old, I have done all that I can do, and now I just have to literally turn her over to God. This is much easier to do now that she is of "legal" age. Yes, I realize that at this age they are still babies and still need our help. I will still be there for her, it's just that she no longer has to do what her mother and myself would have her do. Technically, she is now on her own. By the way, after so many years of picking up the pieces and putting Humpty back together again, I am experiencing that dreaded "empty nest" syndrome. And I do not like it.

Gee, look how long it took me to get to the root of my present problem! Haha

Well, it's all good, for the most part. Susie and I are doing pretty good and I am so very blessed in so many ways.

One more thing. I recently went to a Heavy Metal concert, (Black Metal, to be precise) and had an amazing time. Music is my first true love, and it is especially nice to go to a concert and actually remember the damn thing! So many concerts in the past that I cannot recall, at all. Yes, most everyone there was imbibing, but that is not a "trigger" for me, and that, my friends, is a miracle!!

Trust God. Clean house, and help others. That's how you do it.

-until next time, stay awesome

-coop

Gratitude, Again

It almost seems an unspeakable word.

It's the word that causes many a disgruntled moan or hiss at your local AA meeting hall.

Not always, of course, but sometimes folks just don't want to address the possibility of Gratitude during a certain timely, arduous period of life. Addicts and alcoholics especially have difficulty finding the sometimes elusive bubble of gratitude during the latest "Life" challenge (yes, I've come to view life as a set of challenges, to be met one at a time, if possible).

Quickly, I'll explain:

This is the welcome bane of your average addict/alcoholic's existence. It stems from our stunted emotional growth. When we started using or drinking "alcoholically", we inadvertently suspended our emotional development. Basically, this means that I was still a teenager, emotionally, when I finally decided to face my demons and start living a sober life. Once our disease kicked in, we were so burdened with a deep seated fear of life that there was no possible chance for our minds to pick up on how to deal with life's everyday responsibilities. We were too plastered and narcissistic to learn differently, or even take notice of ANY healthy coping habits.

Our only coping mechanism was at the bottom of a bottle or in a syringe. Instead of choosing to be happy that we were among the living and embracing every challenge with civility and maturity, we thought only of ourselves, obsessed over the wreck our life had become, blaming everyone that loved us, and drinking or using to make all of that FEAR go away! And, God forbid if someone should try to impede our alcoholic progress!! 

Remember: It wasn't about how MUCH we drank. It was about WHY we drank (or used). We needed to numb our minds to the reality of our abomination of a past. There wasn't so much to be proud of, so we chose to "abuse" it away (I say Abused, because there are many other addictions out there that people suffer from, subconsciously attempting  to achieve the same outcome).

(Maybe I've said too much) Anyway, when one is new to sobriety, it is damn near impossible to harness the simple complexities of gratitude. We are still way too selfish and myopic to even entertain the idea that it's great to be alive! (much less that we can tie our on shoes, or that we even HAVE a pair of shoes to TIE!).

That is no joke.

Here comes my point. Sometimes, as we go along our sober little lives, we begin to get comfortable, not really complacent, but our recovery does become a bit routine. Then, all of a sudden, an event so dire and calamitous arises, and BAM!! We're confronted with a situation that is all too familiar: a REAL reason to DRINK. 

I've recently had one such experience.

Except, today I have a Choice. Back in the day, I didn't have a choice...I just drank. It's all I knew to do. I was morally and spiritually bankrupt. Today, drinking is not an option. This is reason enough to be grateful. Did I immediately recognize that I should be grateful that today I have a choice? Of course not. But, my first reaction did not contain one thought about drinking. I went straight into action, which is what my program has taught me.

And I'm living proof, that it can be done. No matter how bleak the outcome may sometimes appear to be, drinking doesn't have to be a part of the solution. Believe me, there is nothing so bad that drinking will not make worse.

I thought my little girl was going to be psychotic for the rest of her life as a result of smoking a vile substance called K2. Synthetic Marijuana is the oh-so-harmless official term for it. All of the professionals on the 10th floor were unable to give us any heart warming news.

She may or may not come out of it, they said.

Oh my God. I was so full of fear, I maybe got 12-14 hours of sleep over a 3 week period. I almost went insane myself just from the fear of not knowing if she was going to be okay. I can't even clearly recall the first 4 or 5 days of when this started. I was in shock. I went into a nebulous state of existence.

BUT...
I knew I wasn't alone
I've been by her side the entire time
I NEVER wavered, NEVER allowed her to see my fear
And, most important of all, I never drank. 

I grabbed that son of a bitch by the Buster Browns and never looked back.

Let me keep this real: Did I ever think of drinking? Yes, I did. Twice. But, the inclination left me about as quick as it jabbed me. No more than several seconds. You might ask exactly what was it that quashed the almost natural thought of taking a drink?

I replayed, in my minds eye, all of the times that I DID drink. It didn't help then, and it sure as hell wasn't going to help now. About a week or so ago, I actually tried to imagine what might have happened if I would have taken a drink to to 'take the edge off'. I quickly discovered that it was so horrible to think about that I had to cast it from my mind. Just thinking about it made me sick and extremely anxious, and that was just from imagining it for a few seconds! 

Ultimately, my beautiful daughter would've lost her father. Of that, I have absolutely no doubt.

Shelby is doing wonderfully today. She has been in rehab for a little over 2 weeks, and her psychotic states are few and far between, if there are any at all.

Am I grateful? You better believe it. I understand now. My journey, starting way back when, up to this point, makes complete sense. I have achieved something unequivocal now. And I did it Sober.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers. Your mental companionship during this incredible time of our life is appreciated beyond words. Thank you so much.

And, Thank You God. You took it away which allowed me to be what I've always wanted to be. 

A Daddy :) 

My Baby: The Biggest Challenge Yet

This is my baby, Shelby. Just look at how beautiful she is. Plus, she is brilliant and extremely funny, her sense of humor a mirror image of mine.

I realize that she is all growed up, but she is still my baby. She always will be.

Just a few weeks ago, Shelby and a friend came by for a visit. She was excited because this friend had some sobriety and Shelby felt that it would be a positive influence on her, as she wants some semblance of sobriety as well. We all had a wonderful visit.

That was the last time I actually laid eyes on her until 8 days ago. We talked and texted plenty, but I didn't see her. She's a busy teenager, right?

Shelby was baptised on April 28, and I remember how excited she was to be back in the embrace of a solid foundation of faith. 2 days later, she called me and said that she was having some very "intense" dreams, almost nightmares. She also mentioned that she was hearing voices. These voices were the locutions of good forces and evil forces, according to her. She felt that there was a battle in progress, a battle for her soul. Fortunately, she told me, the good guys won. She felt that her recent baptism played a key role in the result of this battle.

A few days later, her mother called me, at work, and asked me to go pick up "your daughter" at the hospital. WTF?? I told her that that was impossible. I couldn't leave work, and my relief wasn't due for several hours. Besides, the hospital was a few miles from her, 30 miles from me. Do the math. She wasn't making any sense, and she hung up on me. She never did fully explain why Shelby was in the hospital, but we've been dealing with ER's for a long time with our daughter. That was on Thursday, May 1st.

Saturday morning, Shelby's mother called to tell me that our daughter was in the JPS psyche ward ER. Now, Shelby has been there before, but the circumstances were different. This time, her mom told me, Shelby was acting strange, thinking the she was God and that she and Jesus both died for our sins. She has "saved the world", she said to her mom. I hate to admit this, but at first, I entertained the idea that Shelby could be faking, as she tends to be a bit dramatic, for the attention. I was wrong.

When I got to the ER, on the 10th floor at JPS, one look into my baby's eyes was all it took. Shelby was no longer there. Oh, she knew who I was, but that was the only indication that she was my daughter.

The ER environment was horrible. She stayed in like a small waiting room, sleeping in a recliner for the time she was there, which was 3 days. The hospital had to wait for a bed to open up in the Adolescent unit, which is where she is now, thank God.

The few of you that have faithfully read this blog know all about my journey thus far. I've been very open about the trials and tribulations of my recovery. Bumps in the road? There have been a few, and I have kept true to my altruistic message: Clean house, trust God and help others. This is the secret to my success in recovery. It's as though I can deal with anything that comes my way, right?

Well, I never DREAMED, imagined, suspected, blah blah blah that something like this could happen to my baby. NEVER. Yes, she has been abusing drugs for several years. She has been to a few rehabs, yet I know thousands of people that have abused drugs, me included, and I mean REALLY abuse them. Sticking needles in every vein in their body, smoking anything they can get a hold of, etc.... But nothing like this ever happened to them??! You know? I'm talking decades of drug abuse, and today they are sober and in recovery.                                                                                                                

Then there's my sweet daughter, out there doing the deal as we say, and after an intensive meth binge ( about 30-40 days, according to Shell ), she gets a hold of some K2, and now she is a textbook schizophrenic. I just don't fucking get it.

My poor baby. GOD, this is just SO HARD. It's horrible, going to visit her, staring into her beautiful eyes, and seeing a stranger. Unbelievable, really. She knows who I am, and her mom, etc.... But she has these psychotic mannerisms, thoughts, statements and such, and it's just unbelievable.

Nothing in this fucking journey of mine has prepared me for THIS bullshit, NOTHING! My journey in recovery has nothing to do with the pain involved with looking into the eyes of the most precious human being in my life, and seeing a stranger. NOTHING!!

Please pardon my language. As you can imagine, I am very angry right now. No, I am not angry with God. I would have in the past, but not now. My girl made every choice, you know? She had a choice.

Later today, I will hopefully talk to the ever-elusive Doctor in charge of her case. Yep, that's right. Shelby has been there for 10 days, and I have YET talked to a Dr. I've been there every day, and talked to plenty of her nurses. I believe the nurses know more about what's going on anyway.

I have a few things to say to this Dr.

Thanks for reading, I will keep you posted.

God bless,

coop-

Emotional Growth

Well, hello once again, all. I said I was gonna write, and so here it goes, as promised.

I don't know, really. Things have been kinda odd as of late. Lots of things have been happening in my life, both good and bad, but it is still a learning and growing process. According to Sobriety 101, once we started using and abusing, we stopped growing emotionally. Which translates as- when I began this sober journey, I was the emotional equivalent of a 12 year old kid. So...that means that I am approaching 20, I guess....

Well, that's what they say, anyway. That being said, if you're struggling, and things don't seem to be going as well as you think they should, just remember this: give yourself a break, you are still maturing. WE are still learning how to deal with life as mature adults, something I've never done before.

I don't know, anymore. There was a time when sitting down and writing about my experiences was just the easiest thing to do. Now, I just can't seem to be able to evoke the same emotion as I once used to. I don't think my passion for sobriety is gone, it's just that I don't feel motivated to write about it anymore. Sobriety is still the most important factor of my life, but my desire to "save the world" is gone.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this. It could very well be my ego, possibly. Since no one seems to read what I write, it makes me feel like I'm not reaching anyone, you know? BUT, I hesitate to mention 'ego' because it's our ego we begin to quash once we enter into recovery, fulling intending to work the program. So, it frightens me to think that my ego is still lurking in the background, seeping into the fallible weak spots of my program. YIKES!!!

If I proclaimed that 'it ain't so', then I might have a problem. But since I'm presently aware and actively addressing it with you, well, maybe there's hope for me yet! Life has been steadily presenting new and improved challenges for my alcoholic mind. Thankfully, with God's help, I'm trudging my way through it with my sobriety intact.

Anyway, there you have it. There's my little offering for now. I'm still growing, as you can see. Certainly better than being six feet under

Coop-

Another Year Comes To Pass

Well, here's to another year. I am quite comfortable with closing the book on 2013.

2013 started with my Father-in-law's birthday on the 1st, then my Mother-in-law's death on the 2nd. Six hours later that day, my wife had a heart attack. Several months later, my father had a heart attack.Wham Bam, Thank you ma'am.

Things are still not quite right with everyone. But, my wife and my dad are doing fine.

Let me explain 'not quite right': it seems as though the family has not been the same since Sarah's demise (my Mother-in-law). With the recent holiday season being the first time without her, I'm guessing it was weighing heavy upon everyone's heart. We didn't really get together and celebrate like times past. Isn't that strange? At a time when one would think that the family would draw upon each other for strength to endure the missing link, we were satisfied with taking the path of the Gypsy and remaining remotely aloof and distant. The Teflon brood, we are. Nothing sticks to us, let alone to each other.

Well, as the old adage goes, we all deal with stuff in our own way, right? I guess.

So, is anyone out there struggling with the temptations of the holidays? I hope not. You know, we will use any excuse to drink. The holiday season is is high on the average alcoholics list of "occasions to imbibe". When I actually take the time to think back to the days of my drinking, I try to recall my actual thoughts in regards to my reasoning to drink. Of course, every day was a good day to booze it up, but the holidays were not only an occasion, but a valid reason to not only drink, but to do so in extreme excess (even though, I drank excessively every day). So, when sobriety was becoming a subconscious necessity, I would wonder to myself, but what am I going to do on the holidays? I have to drink on those magical occasions. Of course, I would ponder that point to the Nth degree, never bringing to mind all of the other 'special occasions' I would reason to drink: birthdays, weekends, after a hard day at work (every day was a hard day, of course), my next divorce, funerals, maybe a friends wife would have a baby? What would I do then???

The ugly truth is that every day was yet another reason to drink. I could come up with all kinds of insane reasons. I had to. I needed to drink. People wanted to know why I drank so much, so I had to come up with valid reasons. And no matter the dreadful result of each blind blackout, I would go back for more.

In my recovery, I have learned about the nature of alcoholism, specifically that it is a two-fold disease. There is a mental obsession accompanied with a physical craving. Put another way:

 1) alcohol is all I can think about; it's existence in my life is first and foremost; simply planning ahead, when approaching an inevitable fearful, dreaded moment without it, will direct my every thought and movement in order to acquire more (this is compounded with the fact that my wife is somewhat unaware of my passion for the drink, so I have to be sneaky). 

Whenever I over-analyze my disease, one of the many quandary's that still elude my reasoning to this day is why? Why was I mentally obsessing over this stuff? About the only logic I can attach this to is that feeding my brain was my primary coping mechanism. I couldn't deal with life without being under the influence of some sort of mind-altering substance. Self medicating? Probably. I became accustomed to being 'buzzed' in order to put my foot forward. I garnered a kind of confidence that was otherwise alien to me, left to my own devices. After awhile, this became as routine or natural as breathing. Little did I know that what I was really doing was hiding behind a mask, presenting a false identity to the world, stunting my mental and spiritual growth in the process.

When one finally reaches a point in which they are receptive to or ready to make a change, it's the process of rebuilding their mental and emotional maturity that is the process of Recovery. The actual act of taking a drink is only a symptom of a much broader problem. I guess you could compare it to a Civil War, after which all is said and done, begins Reconstruction. This is the actual difficult part. Stopping "drinking" is really the easiest part, which is a bit of a anomaly, because it ain't easy.

2) once I take that first drink, I simply cannot stop. If there is booze on deck, I'm gonna swig until I black out (which was usually the case) or until it's all gone, regrettably. It's at this point that I will begin obsessing over how and when I can get more. You get the idea, I hope.

Isn't that an ugly way to live?

As I was saying, all of those silly reasons (excuses) to drink were really just convenient self-assurances that it was okay for me to drink. And it was never really okay, you know? I was destroying my life and more importantly, the lives of those around me. The ones that Love me. Or loved me. 

After a few years of this sobriety thing, I no longer stress over going to a Christmas or New Years celebration. I just show up, don't drink alcohol, and have a good time watching others make fools of themselves! In reality, there aren't many people at these parties that drink excessively. In fact, they are always leaving unfinished drinks all over the place, which really drives me crazy!!! 

I used to think that everyone drank like I did. Boy, how wrong I was.

Well, I hope I haven't bored you to tears and thanks for reading. I'm looking to improve my skills at posting this stuff, because I have this crazy urge to write a book. I know that it will deal with addiction and recovery, but I'm still outlining the heart and soul of the content. But, I will continue to keep writing in here, 'cause I really need the practice!

Happy New Year to y'all. Let's be nice to one another, ok?

-coop