Gratitude, Again

It almost seems an unspeakable word.

It's the word that causes many a disgruntled moan or hiss at your local AA meeting hall.

Not always, of course, but sometimes folks just don't want to address the possibility of Gratitude during a certain timely, arduous period of life. Addicts and alcoholics especially have difficulty finding the sometimes elusive bubble of gratitude during the latest "Life" challenge (yes, I've come to view life as a set of challenges, to be met one at a time, if possible).

Quickly, I'll explain:

This is the welcome bane of your average addict/alcoholic's existence. It stems from our stunted emotional growth. When we started using or drinking "alcoholically", we inadvertently suspended our emotional development. Basically, this means that I was still a teenager, emotionally, when I finally decided to face my demons and start living a sober life. Once our disease kicked in, we were so burdened with a deep seated fear of life that there was no possible chance for our minds to pick up on how to deal with life's everyday responsibilities. We were too plastered and narcissistic to learn differently, or even take notice of ANY healthy coping habits.

Our only coping mechanism was at the bottom of a bottle or in a syringe. Instead of choosing to be happy that we were among the living and embracing every challenge with civility and maturity, we thought only of ourselves, obsessed over the wreck our life had become, blaming everyone that loved us, and drinking or using to make all of that FEAR go away! And, God forbid if someone should try to impede our alcoholic progress!! 

Remember: It wasn't about how MUCH we drank. It was about WHY we drank (or used). We needed to numb our minds to the reality of our abomination of a past. There wasn't so much to be proud of, so we chose to "abuse" it away (I say Abused, because there are many other addictions out there that people suffer from, subconsciously attempting  to achieve the same outcome).

(Maybe I've said too much) Anyway, when one is new to sobriety, it is damn near impossible to harness the simple complexities of gratitude. We are still way too selfish and myopic to even entertain the idea that it's great to be alive! (much less that we can tie our on shoes, or that we even HAVE a pair of shoes to TIE!).

That is no joke.

Here comes my point. Sometimes, as we go along our sober little lives, we begin to get comfortable, not really complacent, but our recovery does become a bit routine. Then, all of a sudden, an event so dire and calamitous arises, and BAM!! We're confronted with a situation that is all too familiar: a REAL reason to DRINK. 

I've recently had one such experience.

Except, today I have a Choice. Back in the day, I didn't have a choice...I just drank. It's all I knew to do. I was morally and spiritually bankrupt. Today, drinking is not an option. This is reason enough to be grateful. Did I immediately recognize that I should be grateful that today I have a choice? Of course not. But, my first reaction did not contain one thought about drinking. I went straight into action, which is what my program has taught me.

And I'm living proof, that it can be done. No matter how bleak the outcome may sometimes appear to be, drinking doesn't have to be a part of the solution. Believe me, there is nothing so bad that drinking will not make worse.

I thought my little girl was going to be psychotic for the rest of her life as a result of smoking a vile substance called K2. Synthetic Marijuana is the oh-so-harmless official term for it. All of the professionals on the 10th floor were unable to give us any heart warming news.

She may or may not come out of it, they said.

Oh my God. I was so full of fear, I maybe got 12-14 hours of sleep over a 3 week period. I almost went insane myself just from the fear of not knowing if she was going to be okay. I can't even clearly recall the first 4 or 5 days of when this started. I was in shock. I went into a nebulous state of existence.

BUT...
I knew I wasn't alone
I've been by her side the entire time
I NEVER wavered, NEVER allowed her to see my fear
And, most important of all, I never drank. 

I grabbed that son of a bitch by the Buster Browns and never looked back.

Let me keep this real: Did I ever think of drinking? Yes, I did. Twice. But, the inclination left me about as quick as it jabbed me. No more than several seconds. You might ask exactly what was it that quashed the almost natural thought of taking a drink?

I replayed, in my minds eye, all of the times that I DID drink. It didn't help then, and it sure as hell wasn't going to help now. About a week or so ago, I actually tried to imagine what might have happened if I would have taken a drink to to 'take the edge off'. I quickly discovered that it was so horrible to think about that I had to cast it from my mind. Just thinking about it made me sick and extremely anxious, and that was just from imagining it for a few seconds! 

Ultimately, my beautiful daughter would've lost her father. Of that, I have absolutely no doubt.

Shelby is doing wonderfully today. She has been in rehab for a little over 2 weeks, and her psychotic states are few and far between, if there are any at all.

Am I grateful? You better believe it. I understand now. My journey, starting way back when, up to this point, makes complete sense. I have achieved something unequivocal now. And I did it Sober.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers. Your mental companionship during this incredible time of our life is appreciated beyond words. Thank you so much.

And, Thank You God. You took it away which allowed me to be what I've always wanted to be. 

A Daddy :)