2013 started with my Father-in-law's birthday on the 1st, then my Mother-in-law's death on the 2nd. Six hours later that day, my wife had a heart attack. Several months later, my father had a heart attack.Wham Bam, Thank you ma'am.
Things are still not quite right with everyone. But, my wife and my dad are doing fine.
Let me explain 'not quite right': it seems as though the family has not been the same since Sarah's demise (my Mother-in-law). With the recent holiday season being the first time without her, I'm guessing it was weighing heavy upon everyone's heart. We didn't really get together and celebrate like times past. Isn't that strange? At a time when one would think that the family would draw upon each other for strength to endure the missing link, we were satisfied with taking the path of the Gypsy and remaining remotely aloof and distant. The Teflon brood, we are. Nothing sticks to us, let alone to each other.
Well, as the old adage goes, we all deal with stuff in our own way, right? I guess.
So, is anyone out there struggling with the temptations of the holidays? I hope not. You know, we will use any excuse to drink. The holiday season is is high on the average alcoholics list of "occasions to imbibe". When I actually take the time to think back to the days of my drinking, I try to recall my actual thoughts in regards to my reasoning to drink. Of course, every day was a good day to booze it up, but the holidays were not only an occasion, but a valid reason to not only drink, but to do so in extreme excess (even though, I drank excessively every day). So, when sobriety was becoming a subconscious necessity, I would wonder to myself, but what am I going to do on the holidays? I have to drink on those magical occasions. Of course, I would ponder that point to the Nth degree, never bringing to mind all of the other 'special occasions' I would reason to drink: birthdays, weekends, after a hard day at work (every day was a hard day, of course), my next divorce, funerals, maybe a friends wife would have a baby? What would I do then???
The ugly truth is that every day was yet another reason to drink. I could come up with all kinds of insane reasons. I had to. I needed to drink. People wanted to know why I drank so much, so I had to come up with valid reasons. And no matter the dreadful result of each blind blackout, I would go back for more.
In my recovery, I have learned about the nature of alcoholism, specifically that it is a two-fold disease. There is a mental obsession accompanied with a physical craving. Put another way:
1) alcohol is all I can think about; it's existence in my life is first and foremost; simply planning ahead, when approaching an inevitable fearful, dreaded moment without it, will direct my every thought and movement in order to acquire more (this is compounded with the fact that my wife is somewhat unaware of my passion for the drink, so I have to be sneaky).
Whenever I over-analyze my disease, one of the many quandary's that still elude my reasoning to this day is why? Why was I mentally obsessing over this stuff? About the only logic I can attach this to is that feeding my brain was my primary coping mechanism. I couldn't deal with life without being under the influence of some sort of mind-altering substance. Self medicating? Probably. I became accustomed to being 'buzzed' in order to put my foot forward. I garnered a kind of confidence that was otherwise alien to me, left to my own devices. After awhile, this became as routine or natural as breathing. Little did I know that what I was really doing was hiding behind a mask, presenting a false identity to the world, stunting my mental and spiritual growth in the process.
When one finally reaches a point in which they are receptive to or ready to make a change, it's the process of rebuilding their mental and emotional maturity that is the process of Recovery. The actual act of taking a drink is only a symptom of a much broader problem. I guess you could compare it to a Civil War, after which all is said and done, begins Reconstruction. This is the actual difficult part. Stopping "drinking" is really the easiest part, which is a bit of a anomaly, because it ain't easy.
2) once I take that first drink, I simply cannot stop. If there is booze on deck, I'm gonna swig until I black out (which was usually the case) or until it's all gone, regrettably. It's at this point that I will begin obsessing over how and when I can get more. You get the idea, I hope.
Isn't that an ugly way to live?
As I was saying, all of those silly reasons (excuses) to drink were really just convenient self-assurances that it was okay for me to drink. And it was never really okay, you know? I was destroying my life and more importantly, the lives of those around me. The ones that Love me. Or loved me.
After a few years of this sobriety thing, I no longer stress over going to a Christmas or New Years celebration. I just show up, don't drink alcohol, and have a good time watching others make fools of themselves! In reality, there aren't many people at these parties that drink excessively. In fact, they are always leaving unfinished drinks all over the place, which really drives me crazy!!!
I used to think that everyone drank like I did. Boy, how wrong I was.
Well, I hope I haven't bored you to tears and thanks for reading. I'm looking to improve my skills at posting this stuff, because I have this crazy urge to write a book. I know that it will deal with addiction and recovery, but I'm still outlining the heart and soul of the content. But, I will continue to keep writing in here, 'cause I really need the practice!
Happy New Year to y'all. Let's be nice to one another, ok?
-coop
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