For the first time in a very long time, I actually have a much clearer connection to my inner self. Lately, and I mean for the past several years, along with my constant state of recovery, I've been occupied with the state of my family (wife, kids, parental units, etc....), the most recent being my daughter. I believe most of you can recall some of my past epistles on this matter.
But, at this very moment, everything has come to a nice, level pathway, and I actually have some time to analyse my present State of Sobriety.
I'm still sober. I'm still in contact with God, but my desire to enrich my relationship with my Higher Power has faltered a bit. Also, I feel that my spiritual growth has come to a standstill. I mean, I still pray regularly, but I don't read my special, motivational publications as much as I used to. These books are vital for keeping my mind forever searching, and altering my perspective so that I can continue finding alternate, yet acceptable answers to all of my questions.
There. That's some of it right there. I'm the kind of guy that has to read frequently. My mind craves constant informational input. That's what makes this ol boy tick, so to speak.
Now, for the past couple of weeks, I've been doing some thorough introspection. I need to occasionally remind myself that I'm an alcoholic, and the process requires me to "play the tape". You'd be surprised how quick my mind can shift into auto-pilot, thus allowing our disease to sneak in and convince me that I can drink like "normal" people.
As most of you know, I attend "meetings" from which I gather additional reassurance and support concerning my alcoholism. But, I am guilty as of late of not attending as many as I'd like. Several years ago this would cause a problem, but today it's a little less taxing on my well-beingness if I miss a meeting occasionally. I owe this to the fact that I have been working my program of recovery to the Nth degree, since I started this journey in January of 2007. In short, I know exactly what I can do, and what I cannot do, when it comes to jeopardizing my sobriety.
My sobriety has always come first. well, almost always. When my daughter was in trouble, I put her well-being first. And I did that because I know no other way of being a father. That's part of the job.
Speaking of my daughter, I have learned just recently, 3 days ago in fact, that she isn't doing exactly what I'd wish for her to do, and that's all I will say. She is now 18 years old, I have done all that I can do, and now I just have to literally turn her over to God. This is much easier to do now that she is of "legal" age. Yes, I realize that at this age they are still babies and still need our help. I will still be there for her, it's just that she no longer has to do what her mother and myself would have her do. Technically, she is now on her own. By the way, after so many years of picking up the pieces and putting Humpty back together again, I am experiencing that dreaded "empty nest" syndrome. And I do not like it.
Gee, look how long it took me to get to the root of my present problem! Haha
Well, it's all good, for the most part. Susie and I are doing pretty good and I am so very blessed in so many ways.
One more thing. I recently went to a Heavy Metal concert, (Black Metal, to be precise) and had an amazing time. Music is my first true love, and it is especially nice to go to a concert and actually remember the damn thing! So many concerts in the past that I cannot recall, at all. Yes, most everyone there was imbibing, but that is not a "trigger" for me, and that, my friends, is a miracle!!
Trust God. Clean house, and help others. That's how you do it.
-until next time, stay awesome
-coop
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