Letting Go

I'm sitting here wondering how I'm still sober. And for some reason, I'm actually deciding to write a damn blog. I really have nothing inspiring to say. Right now I don't give a shit who reads this. I'm writing because I don't know of any other way to keep my mind occupied. At the start of my sober journey, this is how I made it; small increments at a time. 

Evidently, history really does repeat itself. 

I went to see my daughter this afternoon, to tell her "goodbye". She is leaving tomorrow, moving out, if you will, to God knows where. I certainly don't. 

She is a drug addict, and has been for the past couple of years. She is 17. In fact, while I was seeing her today, she admitted that she was high. Had been smoking crack all morning. 

I didn't yell, or jump up and down and scream at her. I never do. That's why we are so close. That's why she actually trusts me, I guess. She knows that I know that she is going to have to crash and burn on her terms. 

That's what I did, incidentally. 

I learned years ago that it doesn't do any good to rant and rave at any child. That's a sure fire way to shut them down, immediately. And when that happens, then where are you? At least when you talk to them with respect and understanding, they will actually listen to you. They won't necessarily do as you ask, but they do listen.

I've been working my program diligently for almost 7 years now. But, right now, no amount of program or talk of God is making this any easier. Yeah yeah yeah, all of the trite, cliched aphorisms have run through my mind, "let go and let God", "there's always hope", etc.... None of them are easing my mind, one bit. 

I realize that my sobriety is the most important aspect of my present life, and I have no desire to drink or use right now, which proves that point. But right now, none of it is a Goddamn guarantee that my daughter is going to be okay. NONE OF IT. And that is the fear that is driving me insane right now.

I know that now you may be thinking, "but Cooper, your program isn't supposed to tell you that she will be okay". Yes, I know that. It's about my sobriety and piece of mind. I get that. 

But, I can tell you that never in my wildest dreams, since the day she was born, did I ever imagine that she'd be at this point today.

This shit is not easy.