Quest for Copacettica

Are we there yet?

No, Not really. This trip started roughly 40 years ago and I'm happy to report that I'm still above ground. Everything that has transpired over the course of this expedition can be visualized in a linear fashion... ummm, kinda.

Every preceding thoroughfare led me to, and prepared me for each ensuing change of direction. (I might think of a different way of stating the preceding sentence).

Does it ever end? I'm not referring to my existence, or the end of the road. But, it seems like there hasn't been a decent rest stop in quite sometime. I've always been under the impression that as we get older, there are supposed to be more and more moments of coasting. At least, when I was younger, that's how my elders always appeared to me.

Like life was getting easier. HA!

I realize now that that is the amount of "attained wisdom" I see on their faces. It's the "knowing that you don't really know" that always set them apart. The elders have stopped fighting it and just reclassified each following event, yet continue to learn from it.

I'm still learning about "not knowing".

I'm a hell of a map reader. I love charting courses to new lands, new locations. But there's always a damn detour, ain't there? Traffic, road construction, etc.... Things that my highlighted pathway doesn't expose.

Becoming a parent was always a "highlighted" journey for me. I love being a Dad. A Father. (I just love the way that sounds). Being a Dad is by far the most wonderful part of my trip. BUT....

It has also been the most horrible part of my trip. I never could have imagined what being a Dad was going to be like. Oh, sure, I had an IDEA of how it might be...could be. But, I was just a tad bit off in my pre-visualization of the Parent Factor,  for lack of a better term.

There have been moments of pure joy and happiness. And there have been moments of complete terror that I was going to drop dead. Shit, at one time, all of my brothers and sisters at my home group thought I was dying of cancer because I was so emaciated. Caused by the constant fear and worry I put upon myself concerning my offspring.

please note that I didn't say, "my child put upon me". All of my fears and worry were all caused by me. But, naturally, I was, and still am, worried about my child. 

When you pick up your daughter, in the middle of the night, at her drug dealers (boyfriend's) house (he kicked her out), and see all of the track marks on your baby's arm, you tend to get a little worried. And, I'm proud to say, I didn't kill anyone. Of course I wanted to storm the house and break the little fucker's neck, and then rip off his arms and beat the shit out of him with them. But, I didn't.

I just told my baby how much I love her, and that everything is going to be alright. The things a Dad is supposed to do. Going to jail for Expedited Pre-Meditated MURDER wouldn't help her at all.

She needs me. I'm going to be there for her.

You see, it's been the purpose of my journey thus far. I am prepared emotionally, mentally and spiritually to guide her through all of this. Without the life I've had this far, I wouldn't have a clue as to what to do for her.

I'd say that's sound justification for my sobriety today, wouldn't you?

It was obviously meant to be-

Here's to tolerating others today,

coop