Status: Quo

I have to admit, these past couple of weeks have been very nice and quite uneventful.

I find that when I am being hit from every direction, I tend to forget about myself and focus on everything BUT me. My sobriety is everything to me. Without it, I am no good to anyone else.

Funny how that works.

For so many years I didn't care what use I was to others. All I cared about was me and when I could guzzle the next bottle.

Even though I'm sober, and have been going on 7 years, I still have to stay involved with the recovery process. Many people think, "hey man, it seems like you are doing good with not drinking. Why do you still go to meetings? You're cured, right?"

Wrong

One can never be cured of this disease. Like they say: In order to keep it, you gotta keep giving it away.

This is how cunning this disease is. Think about this for a second: A person gets Cancer, but the doctor says that he can treat it, and pretty much guarantee you a complete recovery. Without a doubt, that person's first words are, "When can we START?!?"

Now, take an alcoholic, and tell him or her that you have a program that will guarantee full recovery if they work it diligently, and you know what their first words are? "Ummm, let me get back with you on that."!!!

It's true. I've heard it a hundred times, at least. And don't be disillusioned about the mortality rate concerning alcohol. It is a Killer. Look it up for yourself. Plus, I don't think I've ever heard of someone having cancer and getting behind the wheel of a car and killing someone.

We all know what drinking and driving results in. Prisons are full of those individuals. I know. I used to carry the message to those prisoners.

Bottom line is, I have to maintain a steady connection with my recovery fellowship for the rest of my life, if I want to stay sober. But, sometimes life can get extremely complicated and become saturated with time consuming events. (and the events I'm referring to are of the long term variety).

When this happens, it is difficult to keep up with the little things that we need to keep us on track. And that's the kicker, is it not? It's during these times that we need our program the most, but the lack of time to be engaged keeps us away. Thus is the anomaly of our plight.

So, what do we do? We just keep doing the best we can. For me, my family is first. My mind cannot see it any other way. But, when I share this information with my sponsor or another close recovery member, they always say, "Well, Cooper, you still gotta take care of yourself." Well, no shit, Sherlock! Like I don't already know that?

But, if my wife is having a tough time, or my daughter, son, father-in-law, etc., needs me for whatever reason, I'm not about to say "well, honey, I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now, but I gotta go to a meeting. See ya later. Good luck." Unfortunately, that's exactly how life happens sometimes. Then before I know it, it's been 2 weeks since I've made a meeting!

As bad as that is for my recovery, I am able to evaluate and pinpoint the importance of what I am doing for my family, and realize that what I am doing is actually a part of my recovery. 

It's called a 'living amends'"

I'm making right that which I made so wrong for so many years.

And when that elusive extra hour finally does present itself? You're damn skippy that I go to a meeting! I'm too afraid not to.

I openly welcome the 'fear' that keeps me going.

Anyway, things are going fairly well right now. But, I will share with you that there is a slight squall on the horizon: this will be the first holiday season without my wonderful, beautiful, brilliant mother-in-law, Sarah Ethridge. That is beginning to put a damper on the general mood of my peeps, including myself. I've actually thought to myself that I'd just rather skip the upcoming holidays and move on.

But, that ain't gonna happen! We shall prevail, though.

God will see to it.

take care
-coop

A Minor Detachment?

This is a beautiful rendition of the Horsehead Nebula, located in Orion, taken by the Hubble Space Telescope; where Stars are truly born. You like?

My daughter is in rehab, in Corpus Christie, again. She has been there a little over a week. She has expressed to me that she actually wants to get sober.

The last time she was at this particular facility she did not want to be there. She made this quite clear from the get-go at the time. And, upon her discharge she made it abundantly clear that she despised sobriety. She openly discussed her defiant behavior she exhibited while in rehab.

She didn't want it, so she didn't get it.

I finally talked to her this past Wednesday, and I have to tell you, I almost didn't recognize her. Yeah, I knew it was her voice, but it was her mature delivery that threw me off. She sounded like a different person. And, she wasn't spewing empty promises. It was as if a switch had been thrown within. It was very strange, hearing this new and improved version of my baby.

The change in her couldn't be an immediate result of rehab, I'm certain (she's only been there about a week and a half). I believe it is something of a spiritual nature that has finally broken through her mental fog. I could actually hear the process of enlightenment in her words and in the timbre of her voice.

Of course, she is a drug addict, which qualifies her as an expert liar. As are all addicts and alcoholics. Time will tell.

Now to my purpose for writing: why am I seemingly apathetic towards this new and improved teenager? I feel as though I'm a detached, numb-headed nomad, confused as to how I want to feel about all of this. I mean, the last time she was there, all I could think about was making sure I sent at least 2 letters a week to her. Today? The thought of writing her just doesn't appeal to me. The feelings are similar to those pertaining to one of the many mundane chores we humans have in common that accompany our everyday existence. Like loading the dishwasher or filling up the gas tank.

That sounds horrible, doesn't it?

But, of course I have a good idea why I feel this way. I don't trust her. And, since I don't trust her, my mind is doing what it is designed to do; it is protecting me from all of the dreadful feelings I've felt for so many years.

After all of the disappointments, lies, and treacherous behaviors she has presented to us over the years, I think my mind is now officially on alert. Instead of my instinctual response of immediately going to DEFCON 1, (which is the most severe fear and worry mode), I'm hanging steady at DEFCON 5, refusing to allow myself to self destruct (which will be the end result if I continue to make myself sick with fear and dread).

I just cannot do that anymore. At least, not at this point. Hopefully, this time, I won't have to.

Hmmm, maybe I'm finally beginning to herd some acceptance into my program. God knows I've battled it for years. (Thing is, I've been able to settle into a comfy bed of acceptance with most other areas of my alcoholic life. But when it comes to my daughter, it has been a difficult, hostile crusade).

So, to all of you new to sobriety, just know that acceptance is a huge part of recovery. Don't be too hard on yourself if you don't get it at first.

Thanks for reading

coop