I realize that she is all growed up, but she is still my baby. She always will be.
Just a few weeks ago, Shelby and a friend came by for a visit. She was excited because this friend had some sobriety and Shelby felt that it would be a positive influence on her, as she wants some semblance of sobriety as well. We all had a wonderful visit.
That was the last time I actually laid eyes on her until 8 days ago. We talked and texted plenty, but I didn't see her. She's a busy teenager, right?
Shelby was baptised on April 28, and I remember how excited she was to be back in the embrace of a solid foundation of faith. 2 days later, she called me and said that she was having some very "intense" dreams, almost nightmares. She also mentioned that she was hearing voices. These voices were the locutions of good forces and evil forces, according to her. She felt that there was a battle in progress, a battle for her soul. Fortunately, she told me, the good guys won. She felt that her recent baptism played a key role in the result of this battle.
A few days later, her mother called me, at work, and asked me to go pick up "your daughter" at the hospital. WTF?? I told her that that was impossible. I couldn't leave work, and my relief wasn't due for several hours. Besides, the hospital was a few miles from her, 30 miles from me. Do the math. She wasn't making any sense, and she hung up on me. She never did fully explain why Shelby was in the hospital, but we've been dealing with ER's for a long time with our daughter. That was on Thursday, May 1st.
Saturday morning, Shelby's mother called to tell me that our daughter was in the JPS psyche ward ER. Now, Shelby has been there before, but the circumstances were different. This time, her mom told me, Shelby was acting strange, thinking the she was God and that she and Jesus both died for our sins. She has "saved the world", she said to her mom. I hate to admit this, but at first, I entertained the idea that Shelby could be faking, as she tends to be a bit dramatic, for the attention. I was wrong.
When I got to the ER, on the 10th floor at JPS, one look into my baby's eyes was all it took. Shelby was no longer there. Oh, she knew who I was, but that was the only indication that she was my daughter.
The ER environment was horrible. She stayed in like a small waiting room, sleeping in a recliner for the time she was there, which was 3 days. The hospital had to wait for a bed to open up in the Adolescent unit, which is where she is now, thank God.
The few of you that have faithfully read this blog know all about my journey thus far. I've been very open about the trials and tribulations of my recovery. Bumps in the road? There have been a few, and I have kept true to my altruistic message: Clean house, trust God and help others. This is the secret to my success in recovery. It's as though I can deal with anything that comes my way, right?
Well, I never DREAMED, imagined, suspected, blah blah blah that something like this could happen to my baby. NEVER. Yes, she has been abusing drugs for several years. She has been to a few rehabs, yet I know thousands of people that have abused drugs, me included, and I mean REALLY abuse them. Sticking needles in every vein in their body, smoking anything they can get a hold of, etc.... But nothing like this ever happened to them??! You know? I'm talking decades of drug abuse, and today they are sober and in recovery.
Then there's my sweet daughter, out there doing the deal as we say, and after an intensive meth binge ( about 30-40 days, according to Shell ), she gets a hold of some K2, and now she is a textbook schizophrenic. I just don't fucking get it.
My poor baby. GOD, this is just SO HARD. It's horrible, going to visit her, staring into her beautiful eyes, and seeing a stranger. Unbelievable, really. She knows who I am, and her mom, etc.... But she has these psychotic mannerisms, thoughts, statements and such, and it's just unbelievable.
Nothing in this fucking journey of mine has prepared me for THIS bullshit, NOTHING! My journey in recovery has nothing to do with the pain involved with looking into the eyes of the most precious human being in my life, and seeing a stranger. NOTHING!!
Please pardon my language. As you can imagine, I am very angry right now. No, I am not angry with God. I would have in the past, but not now. My girl made every choice, you know? She had a choice.
Later today, I will hopefully talk to the ever-elusive Doctor in charge of her case. Yep, that's right. Shelby has been there for 10 days, and I have YET talked to a Dr. I've been there every day, and talked to plenty of her nurses. I believe the nurses know more about what's going on anyway.
I have a few things to say to this Dr.
Thanks for reading, I will keep you posted.
God bless,
coop-
